I have only been through one heart-wrenching, painful break-up. I was twenty-three years old and had experienced being in love for the first time. Darrin and I weren’t together long, but it was long enough for me to grieve a loss when it ended.
The day Darrin broke up with me, I was house-sitting for a friend and co-worker. I had asked Darrin to stay with me that night, as we had been planning to spend the night together with friends at dinner and whatever else came up after.
It was a Saturday. There was no explanation given. Just a “this isn’t what I need to be doing right now.”
I was upset and crying. He was upset, too.
Masochism: He comforted me and got me to stop crying. I held it in. In retrospect, I should have let him leave but we continued to spend the night together as planned. I drove his truck to the restaurant and we ate lunch. We were awkwardly silent. One of us started reading the newspaper.
Since it was a familiar and frequented eatery by us, friends eventually filtered through and we began making further plans. I don’t remember what they were. We ended up at Denny’s later that night with Darrin’s best friend, Brian. I was now no longer sad, but angry. Darrin and his friend were throwing keys around in the parking lot and they dropped to the ground. Darrin bent down to pick them up and I spit, trying to hit him.
Brian gracefully bowed out of the situation and left.
I began apologizing. I asked Darrin to please still stay with me at the house. I didn’t want to be alone. He did.
We got to the house and got ready for bed. It was a queen or a double bed, not big enough to non-intimately sleep two men.
Restlessness: I wanted to hold him. We were close. I could hear him breathing. I turned over. I became so uncomfortable that I could not fall asleep and once I thought that he had, I left the room and slept in the other bedroom with the dog.
Early morning, I woke up and felt guilty for not being in bed with him. So, I went back and tried to sleep some more. When daylight came, I went downstairs and watched television and cried some more.
A couple of hours later, he woke up and left.